I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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