wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
