why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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