Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
