Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
