New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
