I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
