JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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