Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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