You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
