Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
