I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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