she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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