Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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