is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
