he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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