Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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