found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
