I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
