My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
