Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
