you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
