hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize