One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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