Pappa wants mamma naked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
