Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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