Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
