the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
