hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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