I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think I sprained my soul last night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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