1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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