There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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