First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
