went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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