Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
