Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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