He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
