She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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