The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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