You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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