I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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