Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
soo... how was my night?
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