Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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