You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
