If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
