you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
