i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
