Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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