my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
