he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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