In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
