and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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