I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
