I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
