i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
