Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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